Was I crying? No, but I was close. ‘I’m sorry!’ She whispered, burying her face in my neck. ‘I’m so sorry!’ ‘Shh,’ I soothed as she clung to me. ‘You’re back, and that’s all that matters.’ ‘Do you still love me?’ ‘Of course I do!’ She grabbed fistfuls of my shirt and crushed herself against me. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve felt dead every day for the last week. I’ve felt nothing.’ She began to sob into my chest. What does that mean ‘I’ve felt nothing?’ Had she been just as much of a shell as she appeared to be? ‘But you can feel now?’ She ground her face against me, indicating a nod. ‘What do you feel?’ I’m not sure I want to know that. ‘Hurt.’ She choked out. It isn’t something that you can convey with written word, the utter multiplicity of meanings she expressed with that one syllable. She was hurt in the full sense of the word, and every thesaurus entry would be part of, but not a whole substitute for, the type of hurt she felt. ‘All my life…they never told me.. I thought about the money Ballard had given me and it hit me, there was a lot of money in making sex videos. I wondered if I made some calls to some of the people from the Ballard's card file that I stole, what would happen? What would Bill say if he knew what I was thinking? I thumbed thru the cards and picked one of the men that I was with two days earlier in Frisco.When the woman answered I asked for "Jake" she put me on hold, I sat there trying to catch my breath thinking of what I should say and ask. When he answered I wanted to sound strong and in control. I said "Hi This is Pam, we met in Frisco last weekend, remember?" there was a pause then he said "yes I recall meeting a Pam in San Francisco how can I help you?"I smiled and said "Well maybe we can help each other, I don't know what kind of arrangement you had with Ballard, but as of this morning he is out of business and everything has been seized. I am still interested in making some money from making videos and I want to.
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